Lumbersexuals are taking over our cities and OK Cupid will never be the same

Yep. There’s a new hipster in town and he’s been dubbed the “Lumbersexual”. No longer relegated to the Pacific Northwest, the Lumbersexual trend has crossed America faster than, spoiling the dreams of many Alternachics of bedding down with a clean shaven hipster. Yes, ladies, gone are the days of van dyks and motorcycle jackets.

Dating sites like have reported heavy confusion by their algorithms. With so much facial hair, the system is having a hard time matching people up. Women, exasperated by the seemingly endless scroll of beardies have turned to *gulp* going to BARS to meet men. Yep, it’s the 1990s all over again!

There are many dangers to dating one of these manliest of (clearly ‘self’ employed) men. For one, if you like a little er um ‘oral’ delight — well you risk some serious rug rash and may be wishing you were making it with a brillo pad instead.

Second, the average Beardo may look sporty in his flannels and oversized sense of irony facial expression, but don’t be fooled – on the inside is a timid momma’s boy who has chosen to use his beard to hide his feelings because they’re just too “damn tingly”.

Finally, as Peter Griffin learned the hard way, heavy beards make incredibly attractive bird nests.

Rest assured, though the Lumbersexual trend CANNOT last. At some point, these hipsters will want to get laid — we suggest stocking up on razors just about Christmas Time.




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